this just in. i realized that i always want to start my blogs saying something like "holy craps". but since i'm trying to be creative and trying to expand my writing skills, i'll try to refrain from doing so as much as possible, except for when completely necessary (like in the case of the muffins). so from this point on, if i don't say it. assume that i'm saying it in my heart. holy craps.
i'm thinking in spanish. what is happening? i'm talking to my american roommate and my classmates solo en espanol. i am journaliing with the Lord in spanish.
so. much. spanish.
it's really good though. it's why i came to spain. to perfect it. to live it. to embrace it all.
anyway, today we had a 2 hour orientation telling us about our classes that we're taking and our weekend trips, etc. while i'm here i'm taking advance conversation and art in spain. ART IN SPAIN. do i need to say anything else about that?
when we met the rest of the kids in our program, and they told us all of these stories about how their families only gave them one cup for the entire month or how they were served hard fish with eyes or how their families just weren't kind. monique and i just looked at eachother in complete disbelief. Juan and Maria are perfect. Completely warm and generous. Maria calls me her "angelita". It's honestly nothing more than the hand of the Lord that our family here in Madrid is so fantastic. Call me crazy, but He completely knew how much my heart needed to know Maria. And i am so incredibly thankful to be in this home everyday.
There are 3 other girls staying in our flat that arrived today. They go to Baylor in Texas so it's a fun house full of lots of girls...and Juan. It's always lively and fun. Today we sat outside with Maria and discovered that this already perfect penthouse terrace had another level to it, so we climbed up twisted stairs covered in Jasmine and saw the most beautiful view of Madrid imaginable. Breathtaking moment for sure.
I came home from school today fully dreaming of the siesta that waited me after lunch. Lunch was great, I can definitely get used to having it be my main meal, and not eating dinner until 10 or 11. Lunch was followed by an hour and a half long conversation with Juan about politics in spain and in america, the economy, racism, and all of the ranchos that he owns in portugal and espana. Juan is hands down one of the most intelligent men i have ever met.
I finally got my siesta at around 4:30, and got up around 6. I went out of my room to find maria watching novelas (soap operas) on tv and sat with her for a while while watching them. novelas are absolutely maybe the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen . but people honestly eat them up. are american soap operas this bad, too? i've never noticed, but it's possibly because i'm american. either way, i surely hope not.
later this evening, i finally got some sweet downtime. really, really sweet. and this is where the good stuff enters my blog:
i read this today.
"Immitate trees. Let go. Cut off the excess. Prune. Wait. Watch. Grow deep and high to see the sea."
-May Sarton
So i did. I sat there. Tried to quiet my mind and my heart. I closed my eyes and breathed and asked the Lord to come. I just wanted to know that he was there.
After waiting, I stood up to go inside, but something inside me stopped. I looked at the sky and saw birds flying over this building, and heard the Lord say
"Give yourself to this moment."
so i did. i stopped, sat back down, and waited. i felt a confidence return to my heart that hadn't been there in a while. i felt an assurance. a deep, deep peace.
"See. Breathe. Feel. Know me. Don't just go through the motions anymore. Give yourself to this moment, give yourself to me, because I long to be seen and to be known. I am under the spanish sun too. And I'm fully alive...waiting to be discovered, waiting to love, waiting to be loved. Waiting for you to find my voice, to find my life"
and let me just follow that by saying this, especially if you're reading this and don't know me very well, or don't know where i am coming from. i am not crazy, nor do i hear voices, nor am i super spiritual. but i honestly believe that God has a certain way of perfectly communicating with our hearts, whether or not you're walking with him or even believe in him. He's alive. and He is the perfect communicator. And what is so beautiful about him is the way that he completely meets you where you're at, whether or not you even intend to acknowledge him. Pay a little more attention to the peace or joy that fills you in certain moments..whether while looking at the sunrise, or holding a baby, or eating a thousand spanish muffins...chances are, it's him. Completely joyful and intentional in his speaking to you. He's not holding ridiculous impossible expectations over your head. He just wants to love you.
Anyway, I could talk about all day. Because it's true.
But back to the main point. The main point is that in that moment, when I saw the sky and i heard the Lord, everything stopped. Here in spain, I'm learning how to live slowly again. How to value everything--people, conversation, the smell of jasmine, the taste of all of the foods i've been too afraid to eat until now, the evening breeze....you know. Living slowly...living with the intention to fully value something. Because if we don't value what we are given, what is our life? And this is really important for two reasons.
1. we have to learn how to value the Lord.
yes we can serve him. yes we can follow him. yes our life can be full of incredible deeds. but unless we fully grasp, or at least try to grasp, what it means to value the Lord, our hearts, lives, and ministries will be terribly lacking. We have to value the sound of his voice. The weight of his presence. The joy. The intentionality. Not just in a religious, stiff, "i'm honoring you because it's what i need to do with my life" sort of way, but in a father-child way. in a beautiful friendship way. in the most intimate of ways. He's the author of intimacy and the author of value. Don't you think he created it to be shared? Not just with each other. But also with him. Because he likes it. And he's completely full of life. Jesus came, died, and made a way for us to have complete access to the fullness of our father. TO THE FULLNESS OF OUR FATHER. Holy CRAPS people. The fullness of our father. I don't know what else i can say. but we have to let our hearts feel again, so that we can really know him.
2. Unless we can fully understand the concept of value, our lives, our ministries, our hearts, our good deeds, with just be stone cold. Value gives flavor to everything. When we take the time to let ourselves get lost in something, walls are broken down, and we become, little by little, more alive...more alive to the Lord, more alive to Love and life.
Value. I'm learning to live slow. Es muy bien. I'm really thankful. I won't apologize but I hope that wasn't too ridiculous of a rant to read. Thanks.
and in final news, it's 4:30 am. we explored madrid tonight some, got lost some, but had lots of fun. and I discovered a few less spiritual things about spain tonight, but they're to be saved to be shared tomorrow.
thank you Jesus.
sleep now. tengo clase en la manana! hay. que loco.
thanks for reading friends. sorry if this was a little more scattered than usual. i can't function after 2am.
hasta luegeo, si dios quieres.
(una frase que juan me enseño. es importante.)
brooke.
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